And once I find a spot to park I sit there and visualize the workout before I get out of the vehicle. The lazy ass still picks away at me. "Well, you definitely should do some chest, but you don't need cardio tonight... Ok, just 10 minutes of cardio though and no need for any ab work... And you're already working triceps when you're benching so why spend the time on those exclusively when your workout could be done in 45 minutes and you'd be back at the house chilling???"
It's easier to blame the "lazy ass" like it's another entity or personality, but it's not. It's me. It's who I became, who and what I was for a long time. It feels nice to put it in the past tense, but in reality I duke it out with that side of myself every day. Some days are worse than others, but it's always present.
For a long time I took the easy way whenever I recognized it. I was always a hard worker, smart, learned things quickly, all that stuff. But I never really applied myself. I worked more out of competition, and when I knew I was in the lead or did a better job than those around me I'd shut it down. Kick back and coast, never pushing myself too far past the point of discomfort. I'm a front runner but it's more because I have talent and I hate to lose. I mean hate it, so much so that when it happened to me I had no idea how to deal with it and the outcome was a three year span of dangerous abuse to my body.
So, while I sat in my Tahoe last night, going over the workout plan and fighting with the lazy ass, I began to wonder why it's like this for me. Why am I not losing weight faster, why is it taking longer... Rather than lament and think "poor me" I really sat and thought about it. Let's get to the bottom of this shit, I need answers. I'm not getting out of the truck until it's settled.
It came to view once I started thinking about maybe doing hormone therapy after the Holidays. It's harder for me now because I'm older (obviously) and because I cheated to get as fit as I was before I had my knee rebuilt. And after I had my knee rebuilt (this is the "loss" I referenced earlier) I fell into a deep depression and basically quit on myself, my career, and my life. I went from a lean and mean 225lbs up to over 300lbs in that time span, was a heavy heavy drinker and a consumer of all things junk food.
Fuck man, 75 lbs I gained.
It's really amazing to write that, you know? You pick up a 75 lb dumb-bell and that's a fair amount of weight. To a lot of people that's downright heavy.
In retrospect, it was the perfect storm for failure. I was a rock star professionally, was strong and fit, and in my adult life hadn't had a major hiccup outside of a divorce. But, I think a lot of my confidence and moxy was attained the wrong way. The easy way. The shortcut way.
I used steroids from 2000-2002.
Off and on during 2003 as well, but that really doesn't count since I drank enough booze to cancel out any effects they might have had.
So, yeah, there you go. That's why everything seems so much harder these days. I'm not tossing synthesized hormones into my body. That accompanied by massive weight gain and disregard to health and appearance are probably the top two reasons I'm in the position I'm in right now.
There really isn't a clear cut answer to why I began "juicing" outside of my workout partner D talking about supplements and joking that we should probably get some gear and try it out. I thought that was a great idea and the scheming began then. We were in Guam and active duty Navy Corpsmen (medics) at the time and getting it sent to us was going to be the biggest challenge. We settled on an easy to obtain product (D was from Southern Cali and had people) and to have it sent to us. I was dating a girl back in the states at my home base who worked in the clinic, so she got the goods from D's people, packaged the stuff in a big plastic Motrin jar, printed off a prescription label under my name and sent us the stuff via the clinic.
I remember getting it in the mail and my Chief saying "Damn motherfucker what do you need all that Motrin for?"
"I hook up people in the barracks so they won't come bother us..."
"Good thinking!"
So began my use. That was early March of 2000. What the exact product was doesn't matter. It was in pill form, so those of you in the know can whittle it down to a handful of stuff. As for the moral and ethical issues? I had none. I had zero remorse, zero conscious about it, it felt as if it were another step in building my body, but it happened to be illegal and super expensive.
This stuff isn't a magic pill. There are strict guidelines on how to taper on and off of it, and you have to take a pharmacy full of other supportive stuff to go along with it. Plus, drink a ton of water. Damn, a ton of water.
But once it's in your system. Once it starts working... You feel like a giant. You feel like Superman and the Incredible Hulk had a kid and you're the one who can beat it's ass. Your numbers in the gym go up, and your numbers around your waistline go down.
All you want to do is train and get bigger and butt heads with every little challenge because you know you have this little secret, this extra something special that gives you the edge.
And you grow.
And you feel tighter.
And you can eat whatever, because it's just fuel anyway.
And you party hard because shit man, you deserve it, the amount of work you've been putting in.
All the time. There really doesn't have to be a special occasion. You could have just wrote all your patient care notes for the morning and feel that good about it. You could have taken a 20 minute nap but it was the. best. nap. EVER, and you feel that good about it. Not to mention the feeling you got in the gym. Pumps arrived more quickly, nothing felt heavy... That's what's addicting about using steroids.
I benched 455 that cycle, leg pressed almost twice that, and deadlifted 505. We went from being two dudes who were "in shape" to two dudes who were looking more like rodeo bulls.
Late April of 2000, me and D sitting to the left, the beginning
That first cycle in Guam was simply incredible. We were bummed when it ended and we had to take the one month break, but during that break we schemed as to what kind of lifts, training programs, and poundages we'd put up next cycle. Time came and went after the first cycle. D transferred and I was without a work out partner, so I kept my business to myself. Not sharing info, trade secrets, supply, any of it.
July 2000, off cycle
January of 2001 found me in Spain with a similar shipping dilemma, this time with no inside help at the clinic. That along with the fact that they had drug dogs going through our barracks and operational committments to places away from any repurable gym kept me from doing any gear in Europe. After I got back from Spain and got settled, I got back into the swing of things by October. I cycled on and off for the following year, really only taking a solid break in May while I was back in Michigan. By October of 2002 I really felt like my body was getting out there and becoming something special. My diet was dialed in. I had dialed back on the gear and was using Androstendione instead. I was also taking a myostatin inhibitor, which people now say doesn't matter a bit for building muscle, but I have to disagree because it was during that cycle that I really began to grow. I was 28, and invinceable. Forgive the "sasquatch" style photo... It was taken maybe two weeks before my knee injury.
So, that's my initial goal at present. To get back down to this. It took 28 years to build that body, took three years to fuck it all up, and a couple more to feel sorry about it. So it's going to take a while to get there. It's already been a serious test of my patience and drive but I'm not quitting.I've made it a competition in my mind, and I'm not going to lose. Especially now that I've realized that I can't expect too much too soon. I was able to manipulate my body and shore up lose ends with drugs, and I can't do that anymore. So yeah, this go around is going to be a longer haul, but it'll be my haul all by myself with no help. I prefer it that way.
The conversations with myself will still happen before I work out. I'm sure of it. But the be all end all of it will be that I don't have a net. No easy way out. No corners to cut. I just have to get inbetween the iron and work.
There's comfort in that, believe it or not. It's all on me.
B.
1 comment:
I admire your honesty about everything...you WILL reach your goals Buzz. i certainly believe that!
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